WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?

Probably Not This.

Jesus loaves!

What Would Jesus Do? A Spontaneous Dive into the Israel-Palestine Situation.

So, here I am, breaking my meticulously planned writing schedule (which, let’s be honest, is about as flexible as a gym membership contract) to tackle a topic that’s as light and breezy as a lead balloon: the Israel-Palestine conflict > war > genocide. This little detour was inspired by some comments I stumbled upon under another Substack article—because who doesn’t love a good rabbit hole? Now, for those of you who’ve read my work, you know I’m a massive atheist with a penchant for sarcasm and a not-so-massive fondness for organised religion. But fear not! I enlisted the help of a religious friend, who shall remain nameless (let’s call him “The Holy Consultant” for kicks), to sprinkle in some biblical wisdom. With Easter upon us, I figured it’s either the perfect time to publish this or the worst—who can say? So, let’s dive into this mess and ponder that age-old cliché: What would Jesus do? Spoiler alert: probably not what we’re doing.

Let’s just start with the obvious: Jesus was Jewish. Properly Jewish. Not in the ‘puts up a menorah for diversity points’ kind of way. He lived it, breathed it, challenged it — and, most inconveniently for modern Israeli politicians — held his own people to account with more rigour than he did the occupying Romans. Yes, Rome was brutal, but in the Gospels, Jesus saves his real fury for hypocrisy, injustice, and the devout who weaponised religion for power. Sound familiar?

If Jesus were to stroll through modern Jerusalem — assuming Shin Bet didn’t immediately detain him as a sandal-wearing radical with a history of challenging the establishment — he might have some things to say about Benjamin Netanyahu and his increasingly nationalist successors. And none of them would be flattering.

Let’s take the Sermon on the Mount. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.” Contrast that with: “Blessed are the bulldozers, for they shall inherit East Jerusalem.” Doesn’t quite sing, does it?

And what of food? One of Jesus’s most famous miracles was feeding a crowd of five thousand with five loaves and two fish — not checking their nationality first, not scanning their biometric data, not deciding who was ‘legitimate’ enough to eat. He simply fed them. Contrast that with modern Israel, where state policy has effectively reduced calories allowed into Gaza to subsistence levels — literally calculating how much food to let in without appearing ‘too genocidal’. Jesus offered bread and compassion. Netanyahu offers siege and starvation, while claiming moral superiority.

If Netanyahu’s government, and those following in its proud footsteps, genuinely believed in the moral authority of Judaism — the same tradition Jesus grew up in — they’d recall the bit about not oppressing the stranger, “for you were strangers in the land of Egypt” (Exodus 22:21). They might even remember that whole “do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God” bit from Micah 6:8 — not “fire artillery, rewrite international law, and walk smugly with your coalition.”

Jesus wept over Jerusalem, not because it wasn’t “secure,” but because it had “killed the prophets” and was blind to the things that made for peace (Luke 19:41–44). Today, prophets would be called “antisemitic” for daring to call out war crimes. And Jesus — brown-skinned, anti-occupation, dangerously pacifist Jesus — wouldn’t be welcomed by the IDF. He’d be tear-gassed at a protest and buried in paperwork for months before even getting a visa.

The Gospel didn’t show Jesus promoting an ethno-state. It showed him reaching across boundaries — healing Roman servants, praising Samaritans, feeding anyone who turned up hungry. The man was hardly running a border check at the loaves and fishes event.

So what would Jesus say about modern Israel’s behaviour? Probably what he always said to those in power: “Woe unto you.”

And for those doing it in God’s name? He already warned: “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father… Many will say, ‘Did we not prophesy in your name?’, and he will reply, ‘I never knew you.’” (Matthew 7:21–23)

So, Israel, I think it's more than fair to say, Jesus wouldn’t be waving your flag.

He’d be flipping your fucking tables!

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