Invent Your Own -ism: A Guide to Weaponising Victimhood Like a Pro:

Because if Israel gets ‘antisemitism’ as a magic shield, why shouldn’t the rest of us join in?

Off the bat, let’s get one thing straight: antisemitism is real, vile, and historically deadly. We know this. It’s not up for debate. Six million people didn’t just misplace themselves in the 1940s. But like a child discovering that crying on cue gets them an ice cream, the Israeli state has mastered the art of deploying “antisemitism” as a get-out-of-jail-free card so often, you’d think Monopoly was headquartered in Tel Aviv.

You can legitimately accuse Israel of bulldozing homes, bombing hospitals, gunning down journalists, or reducing UN aid workers to statistics—and odds are, before you even finish your sentence, someone’s already shouted “antisemite!” at you like it’s a game of political Tourette’s.

Which brings us to today’s solution: if Israel gets to shield itself from criticism with a weaponised form of historical trauma, why not everyone else? Let’s level the playing field. It’s time for every nation, particularly the Palestinians, to come up with their own bespoke version of this rhetorical forcefield. It’s 2025. If we’re going to have oppression, let’s monetise it equally.

Palestinians: Anti-Gazism:

Yes, I know it sounds like a digestive disorder, but stay with me. “Anti-Gazism” is the term we’re going with. Any criticism of Hamas? Clearly anti-Gazite bigotry. Mention that Israel’s definition of a ‘military target’ now includes tent kitchens with kettles, and suddenly you’re Goebbels. You’ve clearly internalised anti-Gazism. Wonder aloud whether maybe firing homemade rockets into Israeli territory might not be the strategic masterstroke they think it is? Anti-Gazite microaggression.

Historical justification? Let’s pick one from a generous buffet: The Nakba of 1948, where over 700,000 Palestinians were displaced; the 1967 occupation of the West Bank and Gaza; or frankly, pick any given Tuesday from the last 75 years. If Israel can use history to sanctify a 2024 airstrike on a school, then Palestinians can damn well quote the Balfour Declaration like it’s a restraining order.

And yes, using anti-Gazism could get you a blue tick, a Guardian op-ed, and maybe even a Netflix series starring Riz Ahmed. It’s time.

Britain: Anti-Briticism:

Perfect for post-Brexit gloom and upper-class victim cosplay. Any time someone mentions colonialism, slavery, the Mau Mau uprisings, or the small matter of carving up the Middle East like a roast chicken, you shout “Anti-Briticism!” loud enough to rattle the stained-glass windows of Westminster Abbey.

Did you mention that Britain occupied Palestine before the Israelis even moved in with their moving vans? How dare you. Anti-Briticism. Did you suggest that maybe the UK has blood on its hands from arming both sides of a few too many conflicts? Stop hating our values, you anti-Briticist swine.

Throw in some Churchill quotes and a Union Jack bikini, and you’ve got a culture war ready to export. It’s tradition.

France: Anti-Baguetteism:

Ah, la France. Land of romance, protest, and pepper spray. The French are overdue their own shield, so may we suggest anti-baguetteism. Every time someone points out that France helped destabilise half of Africa, guillotined its way through the Enlightenment, or gave safe haven to war criminals, simply puff a Gauloises and cry, “C’est l’anti-bagettisme, mon dieu!”

Extra points if you do it in a beret while forcibly exporting “liberté” to an oil-rich nation.

America: Anti-Freedomism:

This one practically writes itself. Any criticism of the U.S. drone programme, Guantanamo Bay, or the fact that insulin costs more than a month’s rent is clearly anti-freedomist. Don’t like mass shootings? You hate freedom. Think perhaps the CIA shouldn’t topple elected governments like it’s playing Jenga? How dare you attack our way of life.

Bonus feature: unlike antisemitism, anti-freedomism can be shouted in any global context, including the Olympics, Hollywood press tours, and while invading sovereign nations.

India: Anti-Hinduvaism:

India, under the current management, is no longer content being “the world’s largest democracy.” It wants the moral superiority package too. So when someone raises an eyebrow at Modi’s record, suggests maybe bulldozing Muslim neighbourhoods is a bit much, or points out that Kashmir’s basically a security state with broadband, you drop the new hot phrase: anti-Hinduvaism.

It sounds spiritual but functions like tear gas. And it neatly folds in colonial guilt, national pride, and spicy nationalism in one neat package.

Weaponised Victimhood™: Now With Historical Backing!

It’s easy to be flippant about all this—and I’m trying, with surgical precision—but the truth is dead serious: when legitimate critique of a government’s actions is pathologised into prejudice, democracy dies a bit. Israel’s enthusiastic abuse of the antisemitism card doesn’t protect Jews; it endangers them by eroding the term’s credibility. When everything is antisemitism, nothing is.

And the bodies keep piling up—journalists, aid workers, civilians. People who can’t defend themselves because the person dropping the bomb has diplomatic immunity, a sob story, and a media strategy that works like clockwork.

So yeah. Maybe it’s time for Palestinians and every other group to craft their own magic word. Not to deflect reality, but to mock the very idea that any nation should be above accountability because it once—once—suffered something so monstrous that it’s now untouchable. Tragedy does not sanctify tyranny.

Let us mourn the past, by all means. But let’s stop using it as a smokescreen for the present.

And if you object to this article? Clearly, you’re anti-satirist.

Author’s note: If anyone tries to report this for being antisemitic, I’ll be over here inventing “anti-James-Macleodism.” It’s the only defence I’ve got, I’m sticking to it.

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